Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
