non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
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he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
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Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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