Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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