I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
