"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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