did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
