so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
