Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
