Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
