i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
