I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
