He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
