Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I have already put on my inside pants.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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