I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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