I'm lost and stupid without you.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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