The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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