Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
