my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
