life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
