Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
