Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
