wat bout pragnant strippers??
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize