I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
