I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
