does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
