I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
