Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
