lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
