a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
vagina is talking i cant
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
