I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
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That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
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He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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