I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
