everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
