at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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