I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
