I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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