I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
