Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
