Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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