I am in a vortex of obligation.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
