saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?