I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
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Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
I am invincible.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
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Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that