So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It's never too late to be topless.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
