I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
