If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
