ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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