I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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