I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
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...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
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this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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