i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
