Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
