Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
