I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
