with your own penis?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
