youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
