My friends, they love my intelligence
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
