turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
