I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
