Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
She bit a glass in half.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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